In some ways, "hooking up" (with girls) represents the ... general aversion of young men to adulthood. They don't want girlfriends or serious relationships, in part, because they don't feel themselves ready, and in part because they see relationships as "too much work". Instead they want the benefit of adult relationships, which for them seem to be exclusively sexual, with none of the responsibility that goes with adult sexuality - the emotional connection, caring, mutuality, and sometimes even the common human decency that mature sexual relationships demand. Simply put "hooking up" is the form of relationship guys want with girls.
Yet its a bit more complicated than simple pleasure-seeking on the part of guys, because as it turns out pleasure isn't the first item on the hookup agenda. In fact, pleasure barely appears on the list at all. If sex were the goal, a guy would have a much better chance of having more (and better) sex if he had a steady girlfriend. Instead, guys hook up to prove something to other guys. The actual experience of sex pales in comparison to the experience of talking about sex.
When I've just got laid, the first thing I think about -- really, I shouldn't be telling you this, but really is the very first thing before I've even like "finished" -- that I can't wait to tell my crew who I just did. Like, I say to myself, "Omigod, they're not going to believe that I just did Kristy!" -- Ted, a 21-year old junior at Wisconsin University.
Hooking up may have less to do with guys' relationships with women and more to do with guys relationships with other guys. "Its like… the girls you hook up , they're, like a way of showing off to other guys," says Jeff, a proud member of a fraternity at the University of Northern Iowa. I mean you tell your friends you hooked up with Melissa, and they're like 'whoa, dude, you are one stud!' so I'm into Melissa because my guy friends think she is so hot, and now they think more of me because of it. It’s totally a guy thing."
He looks a bit sheepish "don’t get me wrong," he adds, with little affect "I mean Melissa is nice and blah blah blah.. I like her yeah."
"But," he lights up again: "The guys think I totally rule."
Jeff's comments echo those I heard from guys all across the country. Hooking up is not for whatever pleasures one might derive from drunken sex on a given weekend. Hooking up is a way that guys communicate with other guys - its about homosociality. Its a way that guys compete with each other establish a pecking order of cool studliness and attempt to move up in the rankings.
"Oh definitely," says Adam , a 26-year old Dartmouth graduate now working in financial services in Boston. "I mean why do you think its called scoring? It’s like you’re scoring with women, but your scoring ON the other guys. Getting over on a girl is the best way of getting your guys approval.
His friend, Dave, 28, sitting next to him at the bar is also a Dartmouth graduate. He nods, "Its not ... a simple tally, ... Its like WHO did you get? That’s how my guys, well... That's how we evaluated you for membership in the worldwide fraternity of guys."
They both laugh.
